The day that I have been looking forward to and dreading all at the same time is almost here. Time to go back to work. I return to work on Tuesday, January 22nd. The day couldn't arrive any sooner, but I can't stand that it is almost here. I have never been so conflicted about anything more in my entire life.
Now I have no choice in the matter. Like millions of families we need two incomes. So if doesn't matter how conflicted I am, i must go back to work. So I can look on the brightside: My time away from Ruby will help with "mommy-burnout." We will have quality time together, not just quantity. I will be able to talk to grown-ups about grown-up and non-mommy related topics. Derek and I can discuss our days apart from each other and the baby. And most important i will have a daughter that respects me as a career women the same way I respect my Mom. What a wonderful brightside.
The reality is that no matter how good it is for me to go back to work, I can't stand the thought of being away from Ruby. We hired a nanny, and i think she will work out fine. But she isn't me. She isn't going to just hold Ruby for hours on end and stare at her in awe and wonder. She will answer Ruby's cries, she will feed her from a bottle, she will play with Ruby, change her diaper, take her for walks, and put her down for naps. And most importantly she will keep Ruby safe. But she isn't me. And like Derek told me, I don't want her to be me. That doesn't make it any easier. Of course I fear that she won't do her job. That she will ignore Ruby, or lose her patience. Are my fears because of me (hormonal mess, over protective, worrisome) or because of her? This week Teresa, our nanny, started. We have spent the week together, and I have observed her taking care of Ruby. And things are fine. Sure I think it is strange that she watches Lifetime Movies and soap operas. And yeah it is a little annoying that she eats everything we got. I worry about reasonable things to be worried about, but I worry about irrational crazy things like - is she going to sell Ruby to the highest black market baby bidder? I hate how difficult it all is.
Tuesday is going to suck. I want to work, I want to be with Ruby all of the time. The women in third world countries who work in the fields with their babies strapped to their backs don't know how good they have it. They get to work and be with their babies.
UGH. Yeah, UGH, about sums it up.
Now I have no choice in the matter. Like millions of families we need two incomes. So if doesn't matter how conflicted I am, i must go back to work. So I can look on the brightside: My time away from Ruby will help with "mommy-burnout." We will have quality time together, not just quantity. I will be able to talk to grown-ups about grown-up and non-mommy related topics. Derek and I can discuss our days apart from each other and the baby. And most important i will have a daughter that respects me as a career women the same way I respect my Mom. What a wonderful brightside.
The reality is that no matter how good it is for me to go back to work, I can't stand the thought of being away from Ruby. We hired a nanny, and i think she will work out fine. But she isn't me. She isn't going to just hold Ruby for hours on end and stare at her in awe and wonder. She will answer Ruby's cries, she will feed her from a bottle, she will play with Ruby, change her diaper, take her for walks, and put her down for naps. And most importantly she will keep Ruby safe. But she isn't me. And like Derek told me, I don't want her to be me. That doesn't make it any easier. Of course I fear that she won't do her job. That she will ignore Ruby, or lose her patience. Are my fears because of me (hormonal mess, over protective, worrisome) or because of her? This week Teresa, our nanny, started. We have spent the week together, and I have observed her taking care of Ruby. And things are fine. Sure I think it is strange that she watches Lifetime Movies and soap operas. And yeah it is a little annoying that she eats everything we got. I worry about reasonable things to be worried about, but I worry about irrational crazy things like - is she going to sell Ruby to the highest black market baby bidder? I hate how difficult it all is.
Tuesday is going to suck. I want to work, I want to be with Ruby all of the time. The women in third world countries who work in the fields with their babies strapped to their backs don't know how good they have it. They get to work and be with their babies.
UGH. Yeah, UGH, about sums it up.
posted by Alaina @ 6:26 PM
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